Shubh Mangal "Savdhan"

Every father finds the best match possible for his son/daughter or in a love marriage every individual thinks that I have chosen the best life-partner, then why is the marriage failure rate increasing in India?  The figures that exist for our cities and towns show a sharp increase in the last decade or so.  What is it that we are missing or over-looking? Are we taking a hasty or a well-thought decision?

I do not want to focus on factors like urbanization and women being financially and emotionally more strong. 

The main message here is to get into the “Shubh Mangal” with “Savdhani”

This is to try to answer few of these questions and give a friendly advice to all.

1.      The idea is not to blame parents/society for not choosing correct match, but to make society (parents, elders, friends) realize that it is their duty to make their children understand the beautiful yet complicated institution called marriage, let them know beforehand the adjustments and compromises it demands, the patience and love it requires and all the things that should be considered before selecting your mate. As it’s the parents and not the children who have experienced it all already and it’s the most important thing to be shared rather than hide.

  

2.      In Indian tradition, it’s still quite prevalent to force/rush children into marriage. Please re-think what is more important, your child’s lifelong happiness or so-called society’s rules.  

3.      Do the complete scrutiny before getting into the marriage instead of later trying to make it work. Both the boy and the girl need to be educated about the complications, expectations and the sensitivity this institution needs to be handled with. However the society, parents, elder siblings or the friends who know the complete reality as they have gone through this, fail to paint the complete picture beforehand. I would like to take this opportunity to advice this generation to consider below points before saying “I do”

a.       Be it a love or arrange marriage, do not rush into the decision. Do not let any pressure, emotional, social, financial or physical bias your decision. Don’t just depend on people’s word or a single meeting. Your parents have spent entire life teaching you to become independent and have sense of identifying correct things. This is your time to use it and it is your life at stake. So have the courage to stand for yourself.

b.      Give the search ample time, schedule various and not just one face-to-face, online or telephonic meetings with the shortlisted candidates. Convince your parents to give you this time as it will make rest of the life wonderful.

c.        Try to make the discussions fruitful by finding other person’s thinking on all the things that matter after marriage, like social issues, place of family-members, self-dependence, financial stability and independence, ability and freedom to take decisions and responsibility, importance of better-half and his/her immediate family in the other person’s opinion, how flexible or adamant is the nature, degree of socialism and flamboyance, habits including drinking and smoking, talk about the good-ones too, opinion on sexual needs and desire, opinion on working woman, working mom, sharing household-chores.

d.      While making the final choice, accept that no one is perfect or will have all the good qualities one desires. However, knowing above all points and knowing one-self, foresee whether these are the correct conditions and people you would like to spend your remaining life with.

4.      After making the conscious decision, believe that everything will be good. To make the later journey smoother, please consider following points:

a.       Know that changing other people later is not an option, be prepared to change yourself to make things around you beautiful. Read my earlier posts on "positive thinking" and "know what to change” for the same.

b.      Read these effective articles for learning how to be happy even in difficult situations, if they arise even after taking care of all above points:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intimacy-and-desire/201105/people-who-cant-control-themselves-control-the-people-around-them

http://www.purposefairy.com/4899/15-powerful-things-happy-people-do-differently/

c.       Please accept your new family and respect the new relations. To all the children, accept it or not, it is your responsibility more, to be humble and fulfill expectations as much as you can.

d.      A humble request to all the parents to help your children save their marriage: Parents of this generation have grown their daughters equally as their son. They have been taught to be self dependent, given equal education and the power of thinking. The question here is when the same set of parents become in-laws, are they giving equal treatment to their daughter-in-law. Please accept that it is you who have made this wonderful change of treating your daughter equal to your son and gave her all that she deserves, and now when she has grown with all that belief and expects the same in her new home and new role; please do not hesitate to give her the same treatment. I am blessed to have in-laws who are liberal and treat me as their daughter, quoting this example here to highlight if its possible for one its possible for all.

Signing off with a hope that this will help someone select correct match and bring a change in the society’s ever-running trend.

Building Healthy "Parent - Adult Child" Relationship

Recently, after closely observing few issues in parent-adult child relationship, I was urged to pen this post. Most of us are blessed with most thoughtful and ever-supporting parents and in-laws, yet it is a given that there will be some rough spots between parents and their adult child. I do not see it as lack of love or respect, it is only the way things are handled. I looked at some ways that may help both parents and children improve this important relationship.

For the parents, the change from being the primary influence to something less in the child's life isn't easy. For the adult child, the roles become blurred. Are my parents still authority figures? Friends? Something in between? What about how they interact with my children? My in-laws?

I will start with what children need to understand and strictly follow as it is easier for them to make a start:

1.   In case you are married, it is extremely important to strike a balance between your spouse’s and your parent’s feelings. The root cause of maximum problems is when only one party is favored always. Keep your minds open, learn to take decisions, take responsibility of your actions and draw clear lines.

2.   Be extremely sensitive to your parents’ feelings. They have and are still doing many things for you. If you think that it was their responsibility, then you are fooling yourself. It is their unconditional love which they have always showered on us. I have realized it after being a parent myself. Though they do not expect it, it is our duty to give it back and that too after multiplying it. Be it in terms of love, care, time, finances or just a patient listening ear, think twice before saying a ‘no’.

3.   Stop depending on your parents for finances every now and then.

4.   Be polite and humble while trying to put your point.

5.  Take over some household responsibilities from your parents, they cannot do all of it for lifelong.

6.   Spend quality time together in a relaxed and enjoyable setting, it goes a long way. Plan such outings, movies, dinner frequently with your parents.

What parents need to ponder on:

Love and respect are the most important parts in any relationship. With a healthy dose of each, parents can move past their role as disciplinarian and into their new role as friend and confidant. "Reaching a comfortable adult-to-adult friendship is a growing, changing process, and it's never too late to make new progress."

1.   You’ve spent your life teaching, training and protecting your child; now it’s time to “give him wings.” For many parents, the shift from being the primary influence in a child’s life to releasing him to adulthood isn’t easy. Hopefully you’ve been preparing him for independence from the start. Now that he’s on his own — finding his niche, building a career, marrying, becoming a parent — you’re no longer his authority, but friend. By setting healthy boundaries, you can enjoy this new role, while offering the love, guidance and insight only a parent can provide.

2.   Accept differences. This is probably the most important suggestion and the toughest. Your adult child is not you. As he or she grows life experiences will result in changes that you may not fully approve of. At this stage of the game it isn't your job to approve. It's your responsibility to accept them.

3.   Don't judge. At least not out loud. Obviously, this closely follows the first suggestion. You are no longer judge and jury. The child is looking for approval, acceptance, or at least tolerance for what they have done.

4.   Blending two families can be tricky. If married your child is now part of two families. He or she must attempt to keep two sets of parents happy. That can be quite difficult. Take the high road and don't insist on a perfect balance of time and attention. That will only make things tougher on your child.

5.   Respect new traditions and ways of doing things. The way your adult child and his significant other or family celebrate a holiday, decorate the house, plan their vacations, even dress themselves may not be your way. Remember, it is their way and deserving of your acceptance
6.   Hold on to your money. Financial boundaries are important to establish with adult children. Bailing your child out of financial trouble should be a last resort.

7.   Communication is key. Listen to what your adult child has to say and then ask them what they plan to do next. Listen without judgment or fixing their problem.

8.   Set up boundaries and enforce them. If your adult child is living with you, it is important to set up a list of chores and what they will be contributing financially to the household.

9.   If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others. 

With all these you are helping your own child to make his transition from a child to adult smoother and grow as an independent adult who is capable to support his family.

To summarize, I sincerely hope all this and the following (for both parents and adult-child) will help strengthen this beautiful and important relationship.

• Always tell the truth to one another.
• Keep the lines of communication open.
• Be sensitive to each other's feelings.
• Respect one another, despite differences in opinions.
• Do not hold on to the past or judge their decisions. We all make mistakes, and each slip-up provides an opportunity for a life lesson.
• Don't blame one another. Blame is not always necessary and it's often unhelpful.
• Decide that your relationship with your child or parent is more important than most disagreements.  
• Learn good listening skills. This is something that can improve all our relationships, not just with an adult child. Most of us, myself included, are thinking about our answer while the other person is talking. We aren't truly listening to what they have to say.

Finally, decide that a healthy relationship is more important than the disagreements. Do you want to score points and win the argument while losing the war? Accept each other, the acceptance will gain you a much better shot at having the healthy, nurturing, and loving relationship you desire.

Introductory Post

"Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it, What the results might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply and find satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead." -- Chanakya.
So, here I am heading towards blogging with answers defined to above three questions.

• Why I am doing it?   

How often have we come across a striking article and thought to share it with our dear ones (parents, friends, cousin, colleagues) so that it will benefit their existence just like it did for us? My answer to this is "numerous times" So, I am doing it to share some things I have learned through experience, reading and attending seminars, for others to benefit from. This is to create a simple database for friends and family to read at leisure, ponder over it, provide comments and most welcome to share if they like it. Every article need not be my creation but definitely will be a good collection. The message is to open your mind while reading this and be willing to change as "Change is the law of Universe" -- Lord Krishna

• What the results will be?

I foresee people reading this applying it to their mind and soul to be happy, to strengthen relationships, to learn new things which are not easily accessible or they are not able to search. It could be a known thing, but reemphasizing it in inspirational form and re-reading it will definitely help. It will also result in me getting meaningful feedback and the discussions will benefit all.

• Will I be successful?

"If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher" Keeping above in mind and with a positive attitude I am sure I will be successful.

Know "What to Change"

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed

of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser I realized the

world would not change. 

So I decided to shorten my sights somewhat and change only my country.

But it too seemed immovable.

As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I sought to change

only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now here I lie on my deathbed and realize herein (perhaps for the first time)

that if only I’d change myself first, then by example I may have influenced my

family and with their encouragement and support I may have bettered my country,

and who knows, I may have changed the world.

                                                    --  An Anglican Bishop

You have control over three things – what you think, what you say, and how you behave. To make a change in your life, you must recognize that these gifts are the most powerful tools you possess in shaping the form of your life. So choose how you want to respond to situations instead of automatically reacting to them.

"If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it."

The "Serenity Prayer" of theologian Rheinhold Niebuhr, adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous, reflects this so well:

• God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
• courage to change the things I can;
• and the wisdom to know the difference-
• living one day at a time;
• enjoying one moment at a time;
• accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Letting go and accepting what is happening does not have to mean "quitting" or "giving up". Let Go Let God means allowing a "space" to occur - a space which can become a crucible of creativity. Letting go opens the door to working in harmony with what is inevitable, rather than using our energy to fight against what is inevitable. As we let go of our willful need to change the world, we come into our power to transform ourselves, or at least to try a different approach or attitude.

Like all human behavior, "Letting go" has to be kept in balance. If we take it too literally or do it too often (I call this "spiritual dependency") we may be asking for trouble - surely we are required to take some responsibility for our own life! In The Bible, the prophet Jesus was tempted by the devil to throw himself from a high place and trust that God would rescue him - Jesus wisely refused to abuse the divine power of caring and compassion in this selfish and lazy way.

Creative learning for toddlers

All children are creative people but some children live and breathe creativity. Creativity is an essential skill that can be strengthened and developed. For children, the family is the initial place creativity is nurtured

This is to share my experience on creative playing and its effects on kids.

How can you make the most of your child's playtime?

Try these suggestions:

Get down on the floor with your baby. You are the ultimate plaything, and any activity will seem more fun if your baby can share it with you. Talk to your baby while you play and you'll help boost his language skills.
Just being there says to your child, "What you do is important to me”

Think of playtime as more than toy time. Playing is really an enjoyable activity that involves people, objects, or movement. Everything from blowing bubbles at each other to singing songs to splashing in the tub to chasing each other around the room qualifies. If you've ever seen a 12-month old enthralled with a cardboard box, you understand how wide the parameters are.

So, be creative yourself with what are the varied possibilities you can play with and how. Kids learn from what they see and you play the most important role there.

Introduce play activities when your baby is happy and rested, suggests Marilyn Segal, a developmental psychologist and author of the Your Child at Play series.

Stop when your child's had enough. Children have different thresholds for stimulation. When yours seems bored, fussy, or tired, it's time for a break.

Praise your kid often. It will encourage them and soon you will see the outcome.

Give your child a chance to play alone and with others. Both types of play are beneficial.

Let your child choose activities and control the direction of his play. You can suggest new things or present new options, but your child should be the boss. After all, play is about fun, and if there's one thing your child is an expert at already, it's having a good time.

Invite your child to be creative. Set up an area in your home where it's okay for him to be messy. You can prompt his artistry by asking your toddler to draw certain things: the sky, or grass, or even what the sound of rain looks like. Bring out tempera paints and some broad brushes and watch how these additions charge up the creative process.

Introduce musical instruments. This is the age when music inspires dancing, clapping, spinning, hopping, even shouting — so why not add to the cacophony by handing over a xylophone, or drum, or rhythm sticks or casio? Experiment with different genres of music and invite your child to conduct or beat out an accompaniment. With this technique my 2 year old can now enchant a sargam even in the reverse order.

Limit the amount of TV your toddler watches. If you choose to allow some television, break it up into 15-minute increments. Explain what's going on in the show, and encourage your child to ask questions and relate what's happening in the show to his own life. Extend the show's content with activities or books. Slower-paced viewing gives your toddler time to think about what he's watching and absorb the information. Lots of action and quickly changing images will only confuse him or make his eyes glaze over.

Early Multi-language Introduction: Introduce multiple languages early to the child. Ask your maid, grandparents to talk with kids in mother-tongue. Introduce Sanskrit shlokes, Sanskrit helps in improving pronunciation. Its most easy for toddlers to learn most of the languages at this age. My kid can count 1 to 10 in Hindi, English, Marathi, Sanskrit and French and a small rhyme in each of the language too.

What kind of toys are to be introduced to your toddler?

Try these suggestions:

Balls: Balls continue to be a favorite, but even more so now that your toddler can target his throws. A few kids this age even make the occasional catch. Set up a couple of wastebaskets as "hoops" and the two of you can have a rousing game of basketball. Or establish two goal lines and introduce your child to a drastically simplified version of soccer.

Child-size household equipment: Toys for dramatic play need to be realistic. So buy a set of toy dishes, pots and pans, and plastic food. Set up a small table and chairs where your child can host tea and dinner parties. Acquire a small broom, or even a little vacuum cleaner, to make cleanup fun. Kids enjoy winding up for themselves.

Construction toys: Your child may become interested in new construction possibilities. Consider giant Lego blocks or play sets with pieces that can be linked or snapped together. Your child can create buses, trains, or entire farms, complete with furnished houses.

Puzzles and manipulative: Your child's new dexterity has opened up many new play possibilities. He can more easily organize cups so that one nestles inside another, assemble four- or five-piece puzzles, use a set of plastic keys to open doors in a plastic house, and dress and undress a doll outfitted with laces, snaps, and buckles.

Illustrated books and cassette tapes: Reading large-sized picture books with your kid not only increases his knowledge but also provides you both a cozy loving moment. While recorded stories are no substitute for reading to your child, many toddlers do enjoy the novelty of hearing a voice come out of a machine and can appreciate that the voice is new and different. The regular patter of nursery rhymes is particularly pleasing to a toddler's ear.

Washable crayons and paper: Your child is becoming more interested in making her own mark — on floors, walls, furniture. Clear a space for her to work, give her a big sheet of paper (tape it to the table) and a couple of crayons (you don't want to overwhelm her), and she'll get the idea that art has its place. Hang up whatever she makes for you. Don’t forget to use some of the crayons for yourself.

All this helped me and my kid, hope this works for you too. It will also provide a great opportunity for the family to bond, and everyone will have a fun time.

The Time Matrix

Following is a very good matrix that helps you identify and eliminate unimportant activities and allows you to focus on what matters most in your personal and professional lives.

Message to note here is:

Things which matter most must never be

at the mercy of things which matter least.

Choose to spend most of your day’s time in quadrant II so that time spent in quadrant I can be reduced. Very minimal time should be spent in quadrant III and IV.

TIME MANAGEMENT MATRIX
from Stephen Covey’s book “First Things First”

Important	Urgent	Not Urgent
	I (MANAGE) Crisis Medical emergencies (Sick Child) Pressing problems (Angry customers) Deadline-driven projects Last-minute preparations              for scheduled activities	II (FOCUS) Preparation/planning Prevention Values clarification Education Exercise Relationship-building True recreation/relaxation (Renewing yourself)
	Quadrant of Necessity	Quadrant of Quality & Personal Leadership
Not Important	III (AVOID) Interruptions, some calls Some mail & reports Some meetings Many “pressing” matters Many popular activities Other people’s priorities	IV (AVOID) Excessive computer games Aimless Internet Surfing Time wasters Meaningless conversations Viewing mindless TV shows
	Quadrant of Deception	Quadrant of Waste

Focus on Important Tasks.

Urgent

An activity that you or others feel requires immediate attention.

Important

An activity that you find valuable and that contributes to your mission, values,

And high-priority goals

Positive Thinking

We all want a happy life, and we all know that having a positive attitude feels better than a negative one. But for some reason, we are all attracted to and can be easily drawn to the negative side. How do we go about to establish a more positive attitude as a daily habit?

 

 

 

Foremost, we need to believe Happiness is a Choice

This is a hard one at first. But truly one can choose to be happy, I have tried it and is one of the greatest things I’ve done for myself.

When you find yourself in a bad situation, please know that it’s up to you to find the good, to be happy regardless of what’s happening around. Try not to point fingers or place blame. Realize that everything happens how it happens and it’s up to you to choose how you want to feel about it. This way, you are in control of your happiness level and no one can take that away from you.

“Good enough is the new perfect.”

Reinforce Positivity in yourself

Positive thinking can be one of the most powerful weapons one can have. We are living in a brutally competitive world where a minor slip can result into voyage to abyss. Each one of us has this constant need of love, admiration and acceptance. However, people often fall victim to outbursts, anger, fear and dislikes. All these elements are mere manifestations of our negative thoughts. But the thing with negativity is that, the more you express it, the more you attract it. That’s where power of positive thinking comes into the picture.

There is the positive aspect in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time, it’s not all that obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something really positive, about every person or situation.

"Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you"

Simple suggestions and tips to develop positive attitude:

- Be natural and be happy with what you are and what you have

- Choose to be and stay optimistic.

- Find reasons to smile more often.

- Have faith in yourself and in the Power of the Universe.

- Contemplate upon the futility of negative thinking and worries.

- Associate yourself with happy people.

- Read inspiring stories.

- Read inspiring quotes.

- Repeat affirmations that inspire and motivate you.

- Visualize only what you want to happen.

- Develop a healthy eating and sleeping schedule

- Learn concentration and meditation.

- Take some time and be thankful. Be thankful about what you have, who you are, and what your life is like.

-Share happiness with others